No News

No news tonight.  Will's blood counts are still holding strong and reds blood cells are much better after the transfusion yesterday.  Tonight I'm busy doing this:

See you tomorrow!

The Lazy Vampire

Willie receiving a red blood cell infusion.

Will's white count held strong through the night, but his red cells didn't do the same.  There is a threshold at which they will transfuse red blood cells and that is when the count drops below 7.  Yesterday he was dancing on the edge of the threshold with a count of 7.1.  Today his count was 6.7.  The team informed us that he would be receiving two units of red blood cells when they did their morning rounds.  We picked up two new people today who I could have sworn were only here to see the weight lifter that everyone has been talking about. 
Each morning exams starts off the same.  Dr. Mitra enters the room, nods his hellos then turns to Willie and says
"Is there something you want to tell us?"
He says it in an unassuming tone, but the first time I heard it I thought he was there to accuse us of doing something awful.  Like he had done some research in the night and discovered some deep dark secrets about us that even we weren't aware of.  I felt the need to confess everything to him, including the fact that I had been ordering salads on Will's meal trays and pretending they were for him!  There was a long silence that followed his first questioning as I contemplated whether there was any way that he actually knew about my salad lies.  Finally, Willie shook his head and said
"No, nothing's really happened."
This evoked a broad smile from the doctor and he patted Willie on the shoulder and said that was great!
We are now accustomed to his style of questioning and Willie has yet to provide any confession to his request for info.  It's not that he's holding out, there is simply nothing to report.  I imagine he gets all sorts of crazy reports from other patients he asks this question to, perhaps hearing things about nausea, fevers, dizziness etc., but not from Willie!
Today when he asked, it was more of a formality rather than an actual request for an answer.  Willie supplied his usual answer in telling him things were fine.  Willie was sitting at the side of the bed and he began his usual morning check starting with a look at his teeth, checking his heart and lungs and ending by tapping all over his body and asking if he feels any pain. 
The drab attending physician was looking a bit more chipper today and was extra interested in Will's physical exam.  The previous two days he's been in here, Will has been laying in bed, so today, with him sitting up he got his first glimpse of his stature.  He stood behind Will as Dr. Mitra listened to his heart from the front.  I watched his eyes move around the perimeter of Will's impressive biceps, then as the Dr. moved the stethoscope to his back to listen, he reached out and lifted up Will's shirt to assist.  His eyes widened ever so slightly then he turned to one of the doctors and mouthed
"He's STRONG!"
I wanted to laugh out loud at the impressed look that wouldn't leave his face.
Dr. Mitra finished his exam then reminded us that we are still waiting for his counts to bottom out before they eventually begin to climb. 
"Let's be real," I said, after he finished his daily reminder "Willie is doing Awesome, isn't he?"
There was laughter from the doctors then they all nodded and began talking at once about how he is the easiest case they've ever had and the strongest they've seen yet.  The only reaction I was interested in was that of our attending physician who I just accused yesterday of having no emotion.  I caught his eye after I said that and he nodded in affirmation.  He has ears that stick out from his head that have an endearing mouse quality to them and they shook their agreements along with him.  He then winked at me and mouthed
"AWESOME!"
It was the greatest exchange of all time.  He has now won a place in my heart.  And, I feel good having fulfilled my goal to evoke any kind of emotion from him.  The man is impressed by muscles.  Who can blame him?
The transfusion was supposed to start in the morning, but the blood bank was running behind.  Will and I had planned a date to attend the free concerts that are offered every Wednesday and Friday at 12:30 PM so they agreed to hold off on the blood until after our hospital music date.  And what a great date it was.
Today the music was from a group called Bella Trio which consisted of a Violin, Cello and Piano.  The sound was simply amazing.  I grew up in a household where my Mom and Sister both play the violin so I have come to appreciate what good string instruments sound like.  These string players are obviously dedicated to their craft and they drew their bows back and forth across the strings as smoothly as though they were moving through water.  It was a pleasure just to watch them perform!  At one point, the pianist read a french poem about heaven.  The poem spoke of the divinity within all of us and how at some point in everyone's life, that divinity is called home to join the highest source of light.  She got choked up as she read it and I couldn't help but wonder who she has lost to that divine light.  The music moved me to tears.  It was a slowly, dreary song in the beginning that soon became lighter and seemed so ascend into the sky as it went.  I looked around the room at all the other patients in filter masks like Willie's who were attached to IV poles and heart monitors.  I wondered how many of them will be called home to that divine light soon. 


We even got a free CD at the concert!

I don't know how anyone can endure a trial like this without faith.  Our faith has sustained us through this journey and we know with full confidence that we are being take care of by a source far powerful than any of us.  That faith gives us hope which is the most powerful tool we have right now!
After our concert date we came back to our room for a lovely lunch then Willie got hooked up for his first infusion.  It takes about 2 hours to infuse each pint of blood so we settled in for the afternoon.  Will kicked back in bed and let the red blood cells do their thing.  The nurse and I joked about how that was a vampire's dream and then came up with the term "lazy vampire" to describe him. 
The first infusion went off without a hitch.  The second was not so easy.  The machine backed up about halfway through and started beeping its angry warning bell.  The nurse came to check it and tried everything to get it running again.  Nothing was working so she tried to clear the picc line when she discovered it was clotted.  This is an easy fix in which some blood thinning medication is inserted in the line then left for 30 minutes to 2 hours before it is pulled out along with the clots. She did this, and about 45 minutes later his line was clot free and the infusion continued.  He finished his last bag just in time for the Giants game!  Good thing we had our date earlier, because now it's just Willie and his Giants for the rest of the night!

Surpassing Expectations

We have discovered the drawback of receiving care at a teaching hospital: the team of doctors changes every two weeks.  We met our new team on Sunday morning and have had an additional new person each day.  Today we saw the team in its fullness and  it is 7 members strong.  We only got to keep Dr. Mitra who was the original Dr. who met us on our first day here.  He is the Fellow in his last year of rotations before he becomes an attending physician.  We are happy to keep him because he is the one we've been dealing most closely with.  Our new attending physician is a tired looking middle aged man.  He is average height and build with a thinning crop of hair and a permanent look on his face that says "I'm yawning inside because I am unimpressed with everything you say."  It is my new goal to an evoke any kind of facial movement from him. 
Yesterday he showed up looking exhausted and wearing jeans under his long, white doctor's coat.  I tried to imagine what had occurred in his morning to leave him looking so exhausted and thrown together in jeans.  It then occurred to me that maybe he was just celebrating the holiday by sporting casual wear.  Or maybe he had a BBQ to attend immediately after work.  Who knows?
Yesterday we had new female resident  MD join the team.  She is tall with a sporty build and long dark hair.  She cracked a joke about Will's weight lifting the second we met her which was quite the change from the stoic attending physician.  She wanted to know if the beard was a requirement of weight lifting in order to enhance the intimidation factor.  We all laughed. 
Today when the team came in she announced that they were there so Will could bench press them all.  We all laughed again.  Even our attending physician cracked the tiniest of smiles. I like her. 
Willie is having another good day.  He ate a good breakfast and is having a bit more energy.  The Dr.s continue to say that he is surpassing their expectations.  We were told from the beginning that Chemo will cause all of his blood counts to drop and we have been seeing them slowly trend down.  What we haven't been seeing is the physical response that is supposed to occur from that!  Chemo works by killing cancer cells AND the good cells as well.  As our Dr. explained it to us, you can imagine Chemo as an attack in which both the good guys and the bad guys are killed.  He can get infusions to replace most of the "good" guys being red blood cells and platelets, but white blood cells cannot be infused. 
This has been their concern from the beginning.  White blood cells are what the body needs to fight off infections.  Will's white blood cell count has been trending downward for the past two weeks which makes him highly susceptible to the tiniest of infections.  Before we even started chemo, Dr. Mitra explained that a drop in white blood cells was inevitable as is a fever and infection as a result of the body not having a line of defense.  This is why it is so important for Willie to stay isolated in his room and wear a filtering mask when he ventures out. 


Willie being used as a table.

To stay on top of his numbers, they now draw his blood two times a day at 5AM and 5PM.  It's funny how many syringes it takes to draw a few vials of blood from Will's picc line.  Most nurses place the items they will need on the bed or the table next to the bed, but yesterday that nurse ignored those locations and placed everything directly on top of Willie as if he were a table!  I thought it was so funny that I took a picture of it.  We then teased the nurse about it and all shared a good laugh.
Yesterday his white count was 0.8, today it's 0.4.  I asked the nurse how low the white count can go.
"It can go down to zero," she explained "it happens in all chemo patients so it's something we expect.  The counts will start rising again as his body begins to heal, so we'll just keep monitoring."
I think it's crazy that a white blood cell count can drop to zero.  How can a body function with zero cells available to fight infection?  This just confirms the amazing power of the body to withstand the hardest of conditions and heal itself in the process.  Will has been lucky that he has resisted infection this far since everyone has been expecting him to catch something by now.(knock on wood!)
Today Dr. Mitra reminded us that his white count was low, but this time he said
"Don't be surprised if you get a fever or infection, but now I won't be surprised if that doesn't happen either!"  This is coming from the guy who has been preparing us for the worst since the minute we stepped through the doors. The doctors are starting to realize just how strong Willie is and we are grateful that he has been the exception to the rule this far in his treatment.  We continue to hope and pray that he will keep up this trend through the coming weeks.  Thank you everyone for the prayers and positive energy!  As you can see, it's helping so please, keep it up!

Memorial Day and The 5 Year Secret

Our Memorial Day BBQ from the Stanford Cafeteria!

Happy Memorial Day!  I love this holiday.  When I was growing up, we would spend the entire day visiting the graves of our ancestors.  We would meet at Grandma's house early in the morning to clip roses from her flower garden and place them in rusted tin cans she had saved all year long for this special event.  We would make bouquets for what felt like hours, then we would load the bunches of flowers in the trunk and head off to the first of the 3 cemetaries we would visit each year.  It was a family tradition to get lost every year and we would usually spend more time looking for the grave then we actually spent visiting it.  Mom and Grandma were known for scribbling down directions to the grave that read something like "Turn right at the oak tree, drive past two pine trees, Great Grandpa's grave is two patches of grass from the road next to the moss that grows in the shadow of the tallest Crypress."
You can see why we got lost!  I'll never forget the year that we spent an hour driving around the cemetary only to discover that one of the landmarking pine trees had been cut down.  I think Mom is using a more reliable mapping system now...
Yesterday was a hard day.  Willie received his final Chemo treament at 3 AM and fought off nausea for the rest of the day.  I had a hard morning too.  Neither of us has had a full night's sleep since we left home almost two weeks ago and we haven't slept more than a few hours in the past 4 nights since he starting receiving chemo. The advice that's always given to new parents is to "sleep when the baby sleeps."  Right now Willie is my baby and I have not been heeding that advice.  I feel I have been running around the clock on little sleep and borrowed energy.  I feel selfish saying that because I'm not even the one receiving chemo!
We are both exhausted.
Sunday morning was my breaking point.  I stayed up late the night before working on a order for the shop.  It was nearly 7AM and we had both been up since around 5AM when they came to take blood.  Willie was feeling nauseaous so he was nibbling on a saltine cracker at a glacial pace.  I've never seen a saltine cracker last so long!  I was figthing to keep my eyes open and trying not to feel sorry for myself for not having had enough sleep, a comfortable bed, or a shower in the past 4 days.  As I sat there, an alarm went off signalling it was time to place the order for the shop.  I had a very small window to do this and the timing couldn't have been worse.  I was faced with an impossible decision: sit with my husband in his moment of need, or place the order for the shop to maintain our business.  Both were important.  I was overwhelmed. 
I made sure Willie was ok for a moment and placed the order to a girl who couldn't have been any more rude.  It was the last thing I needed.  She told me the total of the order and I felt like the weight of an entire building had fallen on me.  We had money in the account for the order, that wasn't the issue, it was realizing that I had to be the one to account for the business finances AND for our household AND for my husband's care AND for my personal care AND...the list went on an on in my mind.  Clearly the last piece has been slacking which was why I was feeling so stressed.  Willie had drifted back to sleep so I did the thing any overwhelmed, self respecting woman would do: I climbed back in bed and cried.
I prayed to be given strength to handle the burden I was feeling at that moment.  I felt a peace settle in my heart and as I began to calm down I realized I was starving.  No wonder I was upset!  I knew at that moment that the solution to all of my problems was a bowl of scrambled eggs from the cafeteria.  They have the most amazing scrambled eggs here.  They are light and fluffy and I look forward to having them when I can.  They stop serving breakfast at 10AM and most days we are still meeting with the Dr.s and nurses during that time.  This morning I felt as if my very happiness depended on getting those scrambled eggs.  I waited impatiently for the team of doctors to arrive so I could hurry up to the kitchen after they left.  It was 8:30 and were told they were 3 doors down.  Time crept by and soon it was 9AM with no sign of the Dr.s.  By 9:30 I was getting antsy and emotional that I was going to miss my scrambled eggs.  In retrospect it's almost comical, but at that moment it was my only thought.  The team finally arrived at 9:45 and left ten minutes later.  I bolted out the door after them and practically ran to the kitchen.  On the way there I thought of the possiblity that I may not make it in time and I knew I would cry it that happened.  I had images of myself entering the cafeteria and seeing the empty hole where the eggs should be.  In my mind I fell to my knees and shouted "NOOOO!" in a hollywood style as track of heart wrenching music played in the background.
I've always been one for dramatic mental pictures!  I made it to the kitchen at 9:59 and there was percisely one scoop of eggs left.  My scoop.  I savored those eggs and with every bite I became more human.  When I was finished I felt almost like myself again.  The world wasn't such a bad place after all!
Now all I needed was a shower!  I can't take showers here at the hospital so I have been relying on family to come and visit so I can shower at their hotel.  It's not the best plan, but it's been working so far.  I wasn't able to shower at my Mom's hotel before she left because Willie had a bad morning so it had been 4 long days since I had been clean.  I was beginning to feel like I was camping out at Stanford Hospital.  (For the record, it is not a fun place to camp!)  Will's mom came to stay with Willie I went to her hotel to shower.  I met Tammy, my sister in law, in the room and immediately checked out the bed.  It was the most comfortable bed that ever was.  I have never felt anything as soft as the feather pillows on that bed.  It was like laying on a cloud; a magical cloud that sucked all of your cares and concerns from you as you relaxed.  I would have been happy to stay there forever!
The shower was equally magical.  Tammy had brought her Biolage shampoo from home, which for me is a luxury shampoo, and I felt pampered as I washed my hair.  The scent of the shampoo transported me back to a time many years ago when I was in a similar stressful life circumstance. I suddenly knew it was time I confess a secret to her that I had been carrying around for 5 years.  After I got out of the shower I told Tammy the following story:
It was the fall of 2007 and I had been dating Willie for about a year and half.  I was living in Utah and he was living in Willows with his sister.  We had spent the past two summers together at the camp we worked at, then had a long distance relationship in the fall and spring months in between.  As anyone who has ever had a long distance relationship can tell you; they are hard!  So I decided to make the bold move to Sacramento to be closer to Will.  I had a phone interview for a job at the March of Dimes which I was offered and given a start date.  I searched for a roommate on craigslist and found a nice girl who described herself as having "an obsession with Jesus."  I figured that was a whole lot safer than anyone else I could find in Sacramento so I agreed to rent her spare room. 
The day I left Utah I had a laundry basket of clothes and an inflatable mattress.  I drove to my new apartment and was a little leery about amount of homeless people that were hanging around.  An overweight man in a motorized chair cruised by me as I stood in the courtyard holding my laundry basket.  As he neared me he began singing the theme from Cops "what you gonna do, what you gonna do when they come for you...."  He laughed at my shocked reaction as he passed and continued to sing loudly as he rolled away.  I knocked on the door of my new home and took note of the amount of eyes peeking at my from dozens of surrounding apartment windows.  I later learned I was in section 8 housing with is for low income individuals.  No one in the complex worked so there were plenty of eyes to observe me
I met my roommate was a lovely 19 year old Christian girl whose only goal in life was to be a broadcaster for the Christan radio station called KLOVE.  She would audition for me every morning offering me the weather, the days traffic and a positive though before closing with with "this has been Melanie with KLOVE wishing you a blessed day!"  Even if Sacramento never got to enjoy her broadcasting skills, I was most definitely impressed.
She showed me to my room and I inflated my bed and placed my basket on the floor.  This was my new home. That night I laid on my mat and looked at the ceiling.  There were curious burn marks all around the edges and a strange chemical scent came from the yellowed walls, but I thought nothing of it. The next day I reported to the March of Dimes to begin training.  There was a lot of confusion about my presence and no one knew who I was.  When I was finally asked who interviewed and gave me the job I told them the woman's name was Amy.
"Oh," the receptionist had said, her eyes falling to the desk "Amy no longer works here.  I'm really sorry, but we don't have a job for you."
I must have stood there for a ridiculous amount of time.  What was I supposed to do?  I couldn't very well turn and go back to Utah.
That was another hard day in my history.  I remember trying to find Trader Joes in the rain, and after an hour of not begin able to find it, I got out of my car and cried with the dark clouds that poured on me.  I was determined to stay.  The next day I went to church and met a girl who was a nanny for a woman that was helping her friend look for a nanny.  I was the girl for the job!  I met the woman the next day and immediately fell in love with her and her 4 month old son.  I started working there the next day and things started to get better.  Well, everything but my health.
About a month into my new life I started to feel strange.  I was tired, yet wired and fuzzy headed.  At night I would pass into a coma and not wake up or remember anything until I was dragged out of bed by my alarm which would have to go off for minutes before I even realized it was on.  I was the walking dead and I had no idea why.  I knew my roommate's sister and boyfriend had lived in the room I did before he was arrested for drug charges and domestic violence.  The sister had moved out and the boyfriend was in jail.  One morning I woke up to a completely deranged living room with my roommate sitting in the middle of overturned couch cushions and broken cds. 
"What happened?" I asked in shock.
"I'm so sorry you had to be part of this," she said through tears.
"Part or what?" I asked, dumbfounded.
She thought I was joking, but I wasn't.  She explained that her sister's boyfriend was let out of jail the previous day and came to the apartment to find her sister.  When she wasn't there he flipped out and tore the place up.  She called the cops and they had come and detained him.  She spoke of the noise and chaos that had taken place and how they had tried to open my door at one point, but it was locked.  She was so worried that I had been locked inside, upset and afraid.  I hadn't felt anything because I didn't hear any of it!
Something was seriously wrong.  That was when I went to see my doctor who found traces of meth in my body.  It turns out I was living in an old meth lab!  When I asked my roommate about that she said she had known about it being a meth lab, but that every apartment around there had been a meth lab so she thought that was normal...!
I packed my bed and laundry basket and left that very day.  I drove the hour to Will's sisters house and moved in there until I could find something permanent.  When I arrived there I took a shower that will forever be ranked as the best shower ever.  It was there that I spotted Tammy's Biolage shampoo and felt guilty for using it.  There was nothing better in the world at that moment.  It was like the shampoo was washing away all the filth and drama from the past few months.  I left the shower renewed and with amazing new volume in my baby fine hair.
Willie looked pleasantly surprised when I came out of the bathroom that day.
"Your hair looks nice." He had said with an undertone of disbelief.
"Thanks, I used Tammy's Biolage shampoo." I said "I didn't ask her first and I feel bad.  Should I tell her?"
He laughed and said I was silly to think that because she wouldn't care.
She came home a while later and I felt like she could smell the Biolage on me.  I felt so guilty.  I've secretly used her shampoo a hundred times since that day and have still never asked.
Yesterday changed that.  When I finished telling Tammy the story I asked for her forgiveness.  She only laughed and said I was silly and that it was fine.  What a relief!  That's one secret I no longer have to carry! 
I love my in laws.  I don't know how I was so fortunate to marry into a family that I would have chosen as my own.  They have been so supportive in this recent challenge and I don't know where we would be without them.  Thank you Tammy and Jean for visiting us this weekend.  You brightened our days and left me laughing. 

Me and My Tam

Willie had a better day today.  He had a good appetite and I was thrilled when he ate a stack of french fries for lunch.  After 4 days of not eating anything but saltines, I'm happy to see him eat, regardless of what it is.  The Giants won which made his day even better.  We took a walk in the afternoon and plan to relax and watch a movie tonight.  All in all, it was a good holiday.
Happy Memorial Day to all!  May we all celebrate the memory of those who have left us by living!

Positive Affirmations and Stacks of Mail

The New Sign on Will's Door

Today was a hard day.  Willie had a spell of nausea at 6 AM after taking some pills on on an empty stomach.  He threw the pills up and slept the rest of the morning away.  His Mom and Sister showed up just before 1 PM and we visited a bit before the Giants game came on.  That always lifts Will's spirits.  Thank goodness this all happened during baseball season so there is a game to look forward to each day!  Our friend called us and read the article that was written about Will in the Valley Mirror.  Tim did a nice job in writing the article and we were flattered about the nice things he said.  We are continually amazed at the outpouring of kindness we are experiencing from the community.  It is humbling and inspiring.  We will forever be grateful to each of you for your prayers, kind words, donations and support. 
We talked the other day about how we will never be the same after this experience.
"How do you want our lives to be different after we leave here?" I asked Will.
"I want to be healthy," he said. 
That was stating the obvious. I want that too. We all want that!
We talked further about how we want to be better people.  We want to treat others the way we have been treated and to savor each day with greater joy.  I don't know how anyone can endure an event like this and not come out changed for the better.  I suppose a lot of that has to do with one's mindset, but there is nothing but good things to come.
Last night my Mom and I made positive affirmations to hang around the room.  She created a beauty of a sign that reads "The best is yet to come."  When she showed it to Willie he gave us a sleepy smile and said "That's true."
He is magnificent.
I watch him endure this trial and wish I could do it for him, or at least help him carry the burden.
ENDURE.
We read a spiritual thought tonight that taught us that the definition of this word means to withstand with courage.
If that doesn't define Willie perfectly, I don't know what does!

Mail, Office Work and an IV Pole.  

We've been gone for 11 days now and I couldn't believe how much mail we have accumulated.  Tammy brought us the giant stack from home and it took us hour to sort through it all!
"What happens to people who are in the hospital that don't have anyone to help them sort through their mail?" I asked Tammy as I opened, yet another hospital bill. (For goodness sake!  How are we getting hospital bills already!!!)
"I don't know," Tammy replied "I guess the mail just piles up."
I looked at the 2 foot stack of mail and shuddered to think what would happen if we left it untouched any longer. 
The guy in the room 4 doors down from us probably has alot of mail piled up at his house.  My Mom and I met him yesterday and marveled at how similar our stories are.  Like us, he had just purchased a new business when he came down with the flu.  His doctor put him on antibiotics which improved  his health enough to keep working.  A few weeks later he was flat in bed again.  This is when his Dr. ran labs and he was in the hospital days later with the same Leukemia diagnosis as Willie.  He is on his second round of Chemo and is laking in the hope department.  I asked him if it would be alright if my husband wanted to talk to him at some point since their stories are so similar.
"For sure," he said "tell him he can talk to me any time he wants.  I'll just tell him it sucks...but he probably already knows that."
I was stunned in the silence that followed his remark.  I know that's true, everyone in the cancer unit knows it's true, but something about the way he spoke it made me feel like all hope in the universe was lost.  He must have felt the air change because he quickly added
"It probably doesn't suck so bad for him though, cuz he's got you to help him keep things straight on the outside.  I don't have anyone to count on." 
He then added that he did have a girlfriend, but she was too pretty to rely on.
I wonder how pretty one must be to be TOO pretty to be reliable.  Thank goodness I'm not too pretty!
I felt sorry for him, but at the same time admired him for being so proactive with his own health care without any help.  I hope we learn more about this fascinating neighbor.
Tonight Willie will receive his final chemo treatment.  It will happen at 3 AM so I guess it is technically tomorrow, but we are happy that this leg of the journey will be over.  We're not sure what to expect in the coming days, but at least we have each other and I'm not too pretty to be unreliable!  I hope everyone is enjoying their weekend and doing something fun for Memorial Day.  We're still making our plans for the big holiday.  We might get crazy and eat some patriotic colored Jello or something....

Gatorade and Memories

Today's post is brought to you by Saltine crackers and the letter G for Gatorade.  The Saltine crackers made their debut early in the day when Willie asked for some during his 3 AM chemo infusion.  He has been feeling a bit nauseous, but they give him anti-nausea medication regularly to combat this.  The Saltine crackers do the rest of the work in combating his queasiness.  His early morning treatment went well and Dr. Mitra was eager to inform us that Willie is now more than half way through his treatments!  Hooray!  Dr. Mitra also informed us that he is taking the holiday weekend off!  That received some jokes and jabs from the rest of us who are certain that he lives here.  He is always here.  I swear he has a secret bed somewhere in the hospital that he sneaks a few hours of sleep in each day.  He wears a wedding ring, so I can't help but wonder what his wife thinks of his long hours.  Or maybe she's a doctor too and doesn't even notice.
"It must be hard to be married to a doctor," I said to Willie the other day as I was contemplating the busy schedules of every doctor we've met here.  "They must never see their families."
"You don't just become a doctor, Missy." Willie said to me in his characteristic wisdom, "I'm sure the people they are married to have been with them through all of their schooling and training for their career and knew what their schedule was going to be like.  It's not like they just became busy one day."
Good point Willie!  I often feel I am in the presence of a genius when he says things like this.
It made me wonder what expectations I had when I got married.  I knew I was marrying a plumber who may get calls at any time of day or night.  I also knew that we live in a small town so the furthest of jobs wouldn't take him more than 15 minutes away.  Most importantly, I knew that I was the number one priority and if I really needed him, he could rush home at any moment.  I'm not judging the relationships of doctors and their spouses, but there must be some sort of understanding attached in which the spouse must realize that they don't have this luxury of knowing that their doctor spouse could drop everything and come running if the situation requires.  In short, I am happy to have myself a plumber for a husband!
More importantly, I am proud to have a man of courage who has taken on this trial of cancer with such ferocity that I doubt the cancer will be able to handle.  Nobody messes with Willie Beavers.  His cancer is about to discover that.
The first time I met Will was at a summer camp in Massachusetts.  I was a young 20 year old pursuing a degree in nutrition, he was a cultured 24 year old living the carefree life of a traveler.  We were working at Camp Kingsmont, a weight loss camp for overweight kids and teenagers.  I was there to save the world of fat children everywhere by telling my personal story of how I had overcome childhood obesity and lost 80 lbs.  He was there because the camp had a gym and he wanted to have access to weights during the summer!
Whatever our reasons for being there, the most important reason, which was unknown to us at the time, was to find each other.  I was introduced to Willie a few hours after I arrived at camp.  This was Will's second year at the camp so I was the new kid on campus and presented my Utah roots well when I arrived in a pair of overalls and had my hair tied into a bun. Those were my "skinny overalls" and they represented months of dieting and gruelling workouts to fit into them.  No one else knew that; however, and in retrospect, I must have perfectly fit the stereotype of a Utahn. 

Tattoo on Will's upper arm. 

We had a staff meeting that night and I made friends with another girl who was new to the camp.  We sat together on a bench and listened to the director welcome all the staff and explain about the camp.  I couldn't shake the feeling that someone was looking at me.  Not just looking at me, glaring at me, staring me down, daring me to look back in their direction.  I slowly turned my head to find the source of the dramatic stare and smiled when my eyes fell the source: a tattoo on the upper arm of a guy sitting two people away.  I laughed and told my new friend about how I could feel the tattoo staring at me.  She lifted her finger to his arm to cover the eyes and we both laughed.  Now we had caught the attention of the tattoos owner.  We told him why were were laughing and he cracked a tiny smile.  We then introduced ourselves and I made a note in my mind of his name.  I then filed a note next to his name: Don't mess with this guy!
Anyone who knows Willie can attest that he can appear gruff on the outside.  We would often tell Chuck Norris jokes at camp and insert Will's name in them because he is that kind of tough!  As I look back at that moment now it feels like another lifetime.  At that time I had no intention of talking to him again and felt I could make it through the summer without having to come face to face with him or his tattoo again.
I had come from a very different culture where tattoos were synonymous with jail time and trouble makers.  I could only judge him based on what I had been taught, so I knew that we would never be more than co-workers at a summer camp together.  Boy was I wrong!  I am so grateful to Willie and our friends from camp for helping me learn to love people from every walk of life.  That's never been hard for me to do.  I always assume everyone is good until they prove otherwise, but my time at camp helped me develop my capacity to love others regardless of their past or circumstances.

Whole Foods Market: The happiest place on earth!

My Mom is still here today and we took a field trip to Whole Foods Market to do some sizing up of our competition.  For me, Whole Foods is heaven.  I am a nutritionist and am at my happiest when I am surrounded by good foods in a store where I can read labels all day!  I don't know if there is a term nerdy enough to describe me, but I love it!  Today we checked out different brands in their store that I want to carry in our store, the Health Habit.  I found all sorts of gems that I can't wait to start carrying at home.  
We spent a few hours there then returned just in time for Will's afternoon Chemo.  He received his final IV pushed treatment this afternoon and has 3 more infusions of the second medicine left.  We are almost there!  Thank you all for your kind words, thoughts, and prayers in our behalf.  We marvel every day at the love we feel from all of you and it is most definitely strengthening us during this time.  We look forward to celebrating Will's remission with all of you very soon!

The Longest Day

Warning Signs Outside the Door

Today has been a very looong day.  We were both startled awake at 3 AM when a flurry of nurses entered the room.  I shot of of bed, nervous that they had come in because something terrible had happened to Willie.  He awoke just as confused as I was, which was a relief to me.  We asked the nurses what was going on and they casually told us that it was time for Willie's second Chemo infusion. 
WHAT?!?
We were under the impression that he would receive an infusion one time a day.  The nurse told us we were mistaken and that he was to receive infusions every 12 hours.  We suddenly realized why the doctors wanted Willie to start his chemo treatment in the morning hours!  The nurses hurried around the room in the dim early morning light.  There is a TV channel here the plays soothing music all day and shows images of the ocean, wildlife the evening sky, etc.  The image was stuck on outer space and the glow from the tv joined with the glow from the computer offered the only light in the room.  I was still in a dream like state and it felt the nurses were multiplying and filling the room.  It felt like that scene from the matrix where the nemesis clones himself over and over again until there are hundreds of him in one room.  It seemed they were moving a hundred miles an hour as they rushed back and forth, preparing his IV lines.
There is a strict protocol that is be followed here whenever medication is administered.  The nurse first asks Willie his name and date of birth.  He responds as she checks to make sure his wrist bracelet matches.  She then reads the information from his bracelet to another nurse who is stationed at the computer to ensure that he is the same person listed on the computer file.  They then match that information with the information from the pharmacy to be sure that he is who he says he is and that the hospital and pharmacy agree.  After that, they read off the medication from the IV bag to make that that matches the order placed on the pharmacy file.  It's quite the process, but very reassuring.

IV Home Base with 4 Bags Dripping at Once!

Even after this process; however, we were not reassured that the infusion was supposed to be administered so soon.  We both asked questions about why it was that he was receiving the chemo again.  We hadn't been told that by our doctors and we worried that they were double dosing him.  The nurse assured us that all patients receive chemo twice a day as she hooked him up and started the drip.  We were still unconvinced.  I turned on the light and squinted my way through the pages of medication information the pharmacy had provided us.  It was there we discovered that the nurses were indeed right, he did receive treatment twice a day.
We both tried to go back to sleep and did so successfully for a few hours before the nurses returned to take more blood and change out IV bags.  There is no rest to be had in a hospital!  The social worker said it best yesterday when she said
"Being a patient in a hospital is a full time job!"
The morning passed slowly.  Our team of doctors popped in briefly to see how things were going.  They apologized for not being clear about the 12 hour doses.  They offered to move the dose up to 1PM and 1 AM, but in the end we decided it is better to receive a dose at 3 AM because then he can sleep through it.
We had a fabulous nurse today named Julie.  She is about the same age as my Mom who is also named Julie so I felt instantly connected to her.  We learned that she has only been a nurse for 4 years and that this her second career.  She left a life of tele-communications to become a nurse when her own daughter fought off cancer 10 years ago.  He daughter made a full recovery and is now leading a full, happy life.  I love hearing the personal stories of the staff and patients here.  It is all so inspiring!  When I look at a woman like Julie I think that it is never to late to lead the life you want.  You can always learn a new trade or develop a new skill.  There is no end to one's potential and it is refreshing to meet people who understand and exemplify that.
Things have been going well at the Health Habit, and we are grateful to all of the volunteers that have been helping us keep the doors open.  We are blessed to have supportive family and friends who have dropped everything and come running to help us.  We have had to reduce our hours and may be out of some of the products we usually carry, but we truly appreciate the understanding we have felt from the community and the support we have seen.  I am still placing orders from here and we will do the best we can to keep the store stalked with the things the community counts on us to carry. 
Willie also had a good friend and hard worker helping him with his business, Willows Plumbing.  We are grateful to him for his willingness to help.  We look forward to coming home and giving our volunteers a break very soon!
At 3 PM this afternoon Willie receive his third infusion.  He will receive a total of 8 infusions of a drug called Cytarabine over the next 4 days.  This one is administered by IV drip and takes about 3 hours to empty the bag.  The second drug he receives is called Idarubicin and he will receive 3 doses of this over three days.  Is administered by a fat syringe that a nurse slowly pushes through his IV line over a 10 minute period.  The nurse administering it dresses in a splash resistant gown and wears a face mask and goggles.  If that isn't enough to freak one out, she also wears two pairs of gloves.  TWO PAIRS!  You know it must be toxic if one pair of gloves can't do the trick!  Today, Julie told us about her 5 adopted dogs while she slowly pushed the Idarubicin in Will's IV.  We love dogs so it was a nice diversion to hear about her pack of outrageous personalities.  Her dogs all have people names which I thought was funny.
We miss our dog Kona desperately.  I'll tell you more about this quirky dog who we affectionately call "pig butt" another night.  For now I will leave you with a picture of our piggy pants who we love.

Goodbyes

Today I dedicate this post to a woman that I couldn't live without.  She has the biggest heart of anyone I know, she is kind and compassionate, always willing to serve, and never thinks of herself.  She will be the first to arrive when struggle or trial arises and will only leave when she's certain that everyone is taken care of.  She is optimistic, drop dead gorgeous, and has a laugh that can make any day brighter.  This woman is my sister in law, Tammy, and I can't imagine my life without her.  She has been our saving grace in this unexpected diagnosis.  I haven't had to worry about the nutrition shop for a single minute.  She has stepped in and taken over the operations of our business and done it so efficiently that I think I may be out of job when we go home! 

Today she had to put her dog down. Guinness is a rotweiller who had a wonderful life with Tammy.  She adopted him several years ago and showed him the same love that she shows to us every day.  He broke his leg when he was a puppy and had a permanent limp that made it a bit harder for him to get around.  She showed him a good life in spite of his disability and saying goodbye was a very hard thing for her to do.  My favorite thing about Guinness was his attention to detail.  He was a large, scary looking dog and the first rottweiler I had ever got close enough to pet.  I remember the first time I met guinness.  I happened to also be the first time I met Tammy.  I had been dating Will for almost a year when I made the trip out to California to visit him.  I was living in Utah at the time and he was living with his sister in Willows.  The long drive gave me ample time to speculate what his sister was going to be like and wonder about whether we would get along.  I had myself so worked up by the time that I got there that I couldn't even speak a clear sentence.
When I got to the house Guinness was standing guard at the front door, as he always did.  He was a full time security guard and he took his job seriously.  Will came outside to meet me and invited me in the house.  I looked wearily at the giant black dog behind the screendoor that was staring me down.  Will picked up on my hesitancy and assured me that he wasn't going to hurt me.  He was right, Guinness sniffed his obligatory hello then retired to the living room floor.  Tammy was on her way out so she only said a quick hello then disappeared.  I was unprepared to meet such a beautiful woman.  I remember how stunned I felt when I saw her long dark curls, perfect skin, and dazzling smile.  I felt inadaquate.  I tried to picture my place in his family with this petite, beautiful woman as my sister in law and the thought of my lumberjack size and limp lifeless hair next to her grace, was almost insulting.  I felt inferior, but I did that to myself.
It didn't take long to realize that Tammy was much more than a pretty face, and although my lumberjack height and lifeless hair situation hasn't changed, my friendship with Tammy has become one of my most treasured posessions. 
I remember laughing as I watched Guinness lick his paws that first night I met him.  He had finished a long shift of standing gaurd at the door and laid down in the middle of the floor to clean his paws.  He was meticulous about it, carefully getting in between every toe.  When he was done he crossed his paws in a dignified way and looked at me with such intensity that I felt I was in the presence of a college professor.  I knew he was smarter than me and it made me uncomfortable. 


Kona, Guinness and Scout.  AKA: The Possee

As the years have passed I have come to understand Guinness and love him for his quirks.  Our dog Kona is anything but dignified and he has been patient enough to deal with her antics for the past 3 years.  I hoped she would learn some manners from this dignified man dog, but she could care less.  Tammy's other dog, Scout, is a white lab whose only goal in life it to be liked.  She will do, or not do, anything in order to get praise.  The combination of these three dogs was hilarious.  We had Guinness, the general; Scout, the teachers pet; and Kona the class clown.  Guinness was the leader of this posee and tried his best to keep the other girls in line.  And that's how he will always stay in my mind.  Willie wants to add that he will never forget how Guiness liked his hugs.  I would give anything to have one of these exchanges on film.  Willie would get on the floor and wrap his broad arms around that horse of a dog and they both looked so content and fulfilled.
We will miss you Guinnie Hog!

Guinnie's Head Stone

For us, today was pretty quiet.  Will received two pints of blood this morning and started his first Chemo dose this afternoon.  We are learning on this journey that the fear of something almost always outweighs the reality.  This was the case with his first chemo treatment.  I don't know what we were expecting, but the infusion went so smoothly that it felt wrong.  We have been told time and time again that this is the way things go with chemo and that the effects won't be felt for a few days, but it's hard to heed this advice when the woman administering the chemo today had to put on a gown, mask, goggles and two pairs of gloves!  It's crazy to think that she is protecting herself to that extend then pushing the toxic fluid into Will's veins!  My Mom spent a few hours with us this afternoon and we plan to take a walk in the gardens later when Will's chemo is done.  One day down of chemo!  3 more to go!

Groovy Tuesday

Our day began with good news:  Willie's counts hadn't fallen during the night after having his teeth removed.  Instead they had actually risen!  Our team of doctors was surprised.  They said this just proved that those teeth were holding some infection.
"My rising counts are my body thanking me for getting rid of those nasty teeth." Willie said, to the team. We laughed as we all agreed that the teeth weren't the only ones thanking him.  We were ALL relieved those teeth were gone.
The team was surprised again when they looked in his mouth and noted that he had no swelling or trouble with the extraction sites.  Will reported that he had no pain and had only received one dose of pain medication the day before.  It was too good to be true.  They had prepared us for the worst with this surgery since his counts are too low to fight infection.  We had been warned that he may heal slowly and whole body infection was likely.  Willie didn't hear any of this.  He'll lose 5 teeth in a day without even being phased! This speedy recovery was a blessing and a sneak peak into the stamina of this powerlifter's carefully trained body.
We requested another day to heal from the tooth extractions and the team agreed to start chemo on Wednesday.  Will was downgraded to a "mechanical soft" diet which means he can only eat foods that are soft and don't require much chewing.  He was starving by lunch time and tired of eating pudding and applesauce for the past day.  We called the kitchen to see what he could have for lunch.  I spent years working on the other side of that phone call.  I can't tell you how many times I had to explain mechanical soft diets to patients and their family members.  There is a high risk of choking when you give someone regular food when they are only capable of chewing mechanical soft food.  Because of this, diet orders are strictly controlled by doctors and nurses and the kitchen can only follow their rules.
Willie ordered a grilled cheese sandwich and was told that was not on his diet.  He was disappointed and tried to talk the kitchen out of it.  I explained that their hands were tied and we would need to ask the doctor to change his diet order.  He negotiated with the kitchen for a while and ended up ordering an chicken salad sandwich, ravioli and soup.  When the lunch arrived, we were surprised to see a hamburger on the tray!  The kitchen must have folder in fear of the wrath of Willie...
Willie's friend showed up for a visit while we were waiting on his lunch.  His friend lives in the area and works a short 15 minute drive from here.  It was nice to talk with him and get updates on his upcoming wedding.  We asked the most important questions about the wedding, which of course, is about the kind of cake they will have.  They will not be having a traditional wedding cake, but a dessert bar instead.  They are planning to have ice cream Sundays and cheesecake.  YUM!
"I was thinking we may not come when you said there would be no cake," Willie teased "But if there is going to be cheesecake, we'll be there!"
The joke is deeper than it sounds because the wedding is the end of July and we do have every intention of being there and being cured.
I took a walk around while Will's friends visited.  The building next to us is the children's hospital.  A boy and girl were our front in tiny wheelchairs, playing some kind of made up game that looked to be something like tag.  They had the same immunity masks on with tiny child sized hot pink filters.  Both of their heads were bald from chemo treatments, but that was the only thing giving away their illness.  You could hear their muffled laughter coming from the hollow insides of the mask and their eyes were dancing with joy. 
I stood and watched.  Tears coming to my eyes.  It is then I realized that cancer is no respecter of persons.  It doesn't care if you are old or young, male or female.  It has no discretion for culture, race or social class.  I am coming to learn that it is a disease for the strong hearted.  A special trial that is only given to the strongest souls who can handle it.  There is a scripture that says that God will never test a man above his ability to withstand it.  I believe that to be true which means that those who are tested with the trial of caner are STRONG people to begin with.  You can see that strength in every person in this cancer unit.  They have a look in their eyes that speaks to the intensity that lies within.  We have always known that Willie was strong, his weight lifting records prove that, but this kind of strength he is now drawing on is one that cannot be built in the gym or enhanced with supplements.  This kind of strength is born from trial and nurtured by faith and hope. 
He is not strong because he has cancer, he has cancer because he is strong enough to handle it. 
I doubt I would be strong enough to handle this trial.  I say again as I've said before, it is an honor to be on this journey with my amazingly strong husband. 
Willie's friends stayed through the afternoon and lifted our spirits.  One of Will's friends has a long, red beard that can bring happiness to the bleakest of souls just by seeing it.  Even thinking about the beard brings a smile to my face.  We are grateful to Eric and Daniel for making the trip and especially to Daniel's beard for bringing joy to all those who have the privilege of beholding it. 


Daniel and his Source of all Happiness Beard

Eric and Willie

My Mom flew in from Utah later that night and I was so relieved to have her here.  Do you ever get old enough to not need your Mom?  I certainly hope not!  I felt a great weight lifted off my shoulders just by knowing she was here.  I still have that childlike belief inside of me that Mom can fix anything.  She won't be able to fix this one by kissing it better, but her presence and support gives us some peace.  I feel the same way about Will's Mom, Dad and Sister as I do about my own family.  We are so blessed to have such a tight knit family circle!
On the way back from the airport I stopped at Jack in the Box to get Willie some regular textured food.  He ate that cheeseburger in bed while sitting up, slightly reclined.  I call this "the king lay" and he enjoyed that burger as any king would!

Wedding Rings and Waiting Rooms

Good things come to those who wait!

Monday.  The day we had been looking forward to while simultaneously dreading.  We had skated through the weekend on borrowed time, free from chemo and oral surgery, but Monday brought an end to that.  Our team of doctors woke us up just before 8 AM when they came for their morning rounds.  They informed us that Willie was on the waiting list for oral surgery and would be going in for surgery sometime that day.  They had no idea when that would be and instructed us to sit tight and be patient while understanding that the oral surgeon was generously adding us in on top of his already packed schedule.  No rush for us.  We are getting pretty good at waiting! 
Willie was fasting for the surgery so we skipped breakfast and tried to divert his mind to things other than his growling stomach.  Around 10 AM his parents and Uncle came to visit.  They had been there about 10 minutes when our nurse came in and told us that Willie had just been scheduled to go into surgery at noon.  We were so happy!  It's strange to note the things that make us happy now...
She told us to plan on leaving for the surgery center in about an hour when a transport man would come to get him and wheel him over.  She had just left the room when there was a knock on the door.  Behind it stood a short, perfectly bronzed, Hispanic man with a dazzling white smile.  He announced he was here to take Willie to surgery.  We were all confused at the rush in the timing.  The nurse, who had not made it far down the hall, came back in and said to forget noon, we were going NOW!
This seems to be a trend around this hospital to have a patient wait for hours on end only to rush them into doing something at the last minute.  We weren't going to complain though, we needed this opening.  The smiling transporter turned Will's bed into a version of a giant wheelchair and we set off down the hall.  I swear this guy was the happiest man in the world.  He smiled from ear to ear as he maneuvered the bed around tight corners and dodged barriers in the hallway.  Driving like this told me he must be an expert.
"How long have you been doing this?" I asked, after he made an impressive 3 point turn to get the bed in the elevator.
"10 years he said," his smile never ceasing "I love my job!"
That was no secret.  I asked him how much the bed weighs and he gave me an entire history of the various hospital beds he had encountered over the 10 years he had worked there.  The current bed it most impressive to him because, although it weighs 800 lbs, it is motorized so he can make fancy turns with just the use of one hand.  He demonstrated this for me by moving the bed in a snake like pattern.  He was too good to be true.  I wanted to watch him push beds all day.  It was like watching a world class race car driver practice his craft.  He finished our ride with a dramatic arch turn followed back a reverse back into a holding room.  I wanted to clap and ask for an encore, but he disappeared.
We were now in a log hallway of 10 foot compartments that opened outward.  Each compartment held a hospital bed with a patient nervously awaiting their turn.  There must have been 20 compartments and each one was filled.  It was an eery sight.
The nurses checked Willie in and told us it would be about a half hour wait.  A half hour came and went with no sign of the nurses.  An hour later they came to inform us that it would be another half hour.  The tall surgeon from the previous day came by our compartment and asked to speak to me down the hall.  I followed him past several compartments, trying not to look in them as I passed, but failing desperately as my eye caught the different scenes in each room: a mom with her young son, a grandpa with his adult children, a pregnant woman with her worried husband, and a woman all alone talking on a cell phone.  This last room disturbed me the most.  I caught the end of her conversation as she told the person on the other line that she would hopefully see them after surgery....hopefully?!
It breaks my heart to see anyone suffer a health trial alone. 
The surgeon took me into a corner with a computer with Will's x-rays pulled up on the screen.  He pointed to the broken teeth with his long slender fingers and explained that he would most likely be extracting all the wisdom teeth and the infected molar.  I asked some questions about the type of anesthesia and he assured me that Will  would feel no pain, he also said the surgery would be easy and probably only last 15 minutes.  We returned to our cubicle and he asked me to explain to Will what I had seen, then scampered away.  I've never dealt with any medical professional like this before.  It seems his entire goal is to spend as little time as possible with us! 
I told Will this must mean he's a great surgeon if he is too busy to spend time talking with people!
The half hour of wait time came and went and this time we were assured it would only be another half and hour more.  When that came and went they explained that there had been an emergency in the operating room and we were waiting for the room.  It didn't bother us, we were in no hurry.  When they finally came to get Will it was 2PM and we had been waiting 2 and a half hours.  I was hungry and asked if there was a cafe in the building.  The nurse directed me to it then handed me a $5 gift certificate for our patience in waiting.  I felt like I had won an award.  We should have been thanking them for fitting us in!
I crossed the doors into the surgery waiting room and it was like I had walked into the lobby of a 5 star hotel.  The furniture and fixtures were in fine taste and the contemporary colors were calming to the eye.  In one corner, a baby grand piano was playing.  As I walked deeper into the room, a woman in a red Stanford jacket approached me.  The red stanford jacket is worn by volunteers around the hospital who are always helpful and overly excited to serve us.  The woman in this red jacket offered me a drink and directed me to a snack bar.  Had I crossed into heaven?  The scene was simply too serene.
I had about an hour to wait since they would need to have Will fully out of the anesthesia until they released him.  I went to the cafe and wandered around the library that was attached.  There was an entire section of books that were written by cancer survivors or families of people who were treated at Stanford.  I can't help but think that one day Will's story will be among them.  I flipped through a few books and scanned some pages.  Each excerpt contained medical phrases and listed medications that would have been foreign to me only a week ago, but now I know those words all too well.  Their stories were filled with years of treatments and death bed accounts. I felt a sadness brewing inside as I read their stories.  I had to shut the book.  I didn't want to know.
I went back upstairs to the heavenly waiting room and pulled out my iphone.  There were about 20 people spread out in the room, eagerly awaiting news on their loved ones.  I noted that every person in the room was either on an ipad, iphone, or laptop.  What a strange society we have become!  I looked down at my iphone and smiled in realization that just three weeks ago, when I was still using a flip phone, I would not have been worthy to sit among this crowd.  Now that I have an iphone I am in the Stanford social class!
I searched the Internet while I waited, but couldn't deny the anxiety that was rising in me as the minutes passed.  This was taking far too long.  He had been gone for an hour and a half. 
I sat there, staring at his wedding ring on my finger. It didn't belong there on my hand.  Its presence made me uncomfortable. 


They had removed the ring before he went into sugery and handed it to me."He can't wear it in there?" I asked in surprise.
There was a head shake indicating no.
"Well don't think this makes you single." I joked to Willie.  The nurse joked back about him being the hot single ticket in the surgery room.  We laughed.  That put us one laugh closer to our cancer beating number of 4 a day.
I was just about to explode from anticipation when the red jacket girl showed up to tell me Willie was on his way back to the room and the surgery went well.
HOORAY!
I wanted to jump up and down and run around the room slapping high fives to all the technological junkies.
Instead, I gathered my things and practically ran back to our room.  Will wasn't there yet.  He finally showed up about 10 minutes later, looking a walrus with gauze tusks coming out of his mouth.  The surgeon had removed all 5 teeth and done a beautiful job.  Willie had been conscious the whole time, but didn't experience much pain.  He hadn't eaten anything all day and was starving so we removed the gauze and he had some pudding and applesauce.  Things looked really good.
At 7 PM the nurses change out.  We got a new nurse that night named Letty.  She was a woman in her 50's that was meant hand picked for us, it seemed.  She had a great sense of humor and spent a few moments chatting with us.  We learned that she had been a dental assistant for 10 years and knew exactly what to do for Will's teeth.  What an incredible blessing she was!  She created a regime for him to swish his mouth out during the night and gave him a small dose of pain medication.  We were relieved to have a nurse that would know what to do if something happened with his incisions during the night.  When she left, we marveled at how amazing it has been that the rotating nurses we have had each night have all known exactly what we need and been able to offer their special skill at the time we need it.  I consider that a miracle.  And I know it's only one of many to come!

Sundays, Eclipses and Good Advice

Sundays are magical.  I have always loved Sundays and consider them to be a day of rest.  That is exactly what Sunday turned out to be for us.  We got to sleep in until 8 AM then the doctors made their rounds and gave us an update.  They had spoken with the oral surgeon and said that Willie would have the infected teeth removed on Monday.  He would be put on the waiting list for surgery so there was no way of knowing what time he would be able to get in.  We joked about needing to check out calendars to see what we could shift around to make room for the surgeon's schedule.  Turns out out calendars were wide open! 
We told the team about the abrupt visit from the oral surgeon the night before and we all shared a good laugh.  There is nothing like having a good laugh with people who are healing you.  Laughter really is the best medicine and we are finding moments every day to enjoy it.  In the afternoon, Will's parents and Uncle returned and we spent some time together walking the halls and checking out more of the art.  The boys watched baseball and Will's Mom and I slipped away for a quick trip to the mall.  It felt good to be out of the hospital room, but I felt a low level of anxiety the entire time I was away from Will.  He's not even on chemo yet, or in any sort of medical danger, but the thought of something happening and me not being there freaks me out.
I got back to the hospital just in time to get Will in his mask and walk outside to see the solar eclipse.  The last time I experienced one was in 4th grade.  We had made paper projectors to watch the eclipse without burning our eyes.  It is made by getting two pieces of paper and poking a pin hole in one of them.  The paper with the pin hole is held up to the sun and projected on the second paper which is held below.  When I did it in grade school I couldn't figure out how it worked.  I remember watching all the other kids ooh and ahh as they saw something miraculous on their pieces of paper.  I, on the other hand, saw nothing.  You wouldn't have known it though because I oohed and ahhed along with the other kids so I wouldn't be the odd man out.  The kids at school talked about that magical moment for weeks afterward and I pretended to be in the crowd of those who had seen it until the novelty wore off. 

Eclipse Magic

Today was my chance to redeem myself.  I told Willie this story as I created a projection device with the only thing I could find: a Trader Joe's paper bag and a push pin.
We took the projecter outside and set ourselves up in front of the glass enterance to the hospital.  There were people milling around, taking pictures and talking excitedly about what was happening.  The light from the sun was dimmed, casting a subtle shadow over the gardens that surrounded us.  Next to me, a man in a surgeon's coat held a special lens to his eye and explained the majesty of the eclipse.  People lined up to use his lens as I quietly stood next to them and lifted my first piece of paper bag above the other.  What appeared was a perfect projection of a crescent sun!  I was amazed.  It actually worked!  I was now a part of the cool kids group who had seen an eclipse!  People began to gravitate toward me, asking about my curious projection system.  They wanted to know how I thought that up and what my profession was to make me so intellegent.  The surgeon even put down his eclipse glass and came to observe my neanderthal version which he exclaimed to be pure genius.  At one point I had a crowd of 20 people surrounding me, oohing and ahhing in the way that my 4th grade class did so long ago.  I called to Willie to take a picture, but he had disappeared somewhere beyond the crowd. 
I posed for pictures and slapped high fives with strangers all around then sat on a bench next to a woman with a dog to wait for Willie. 
As we go talking I learned that she was waiting for her best friend to come out of the hospital to see the dog.  Her friend was here with her Fiance who was in the same cancer unit with us.  Unfortunately, the fiance has stage 4 cancer and is rapidly fading away.  As we spoke I was filled with gratitude for our circumstance.  We are so blessed to have caught Willie's cancer early.  We could have easily continued on the way we are, passing his symptoms off as a simple toothache and his fatigue could be written off as long hours of work.  We wouldn't have known anything was wrong until he developed a serious infection.  By that point it may have been too late.  We asked the doctors about this very thing and they said that is how most cancers become deadly because the symptoms can easily be explained away.  This has taught us how important it is to maintain regular healthcare visits and to be intune with your own body so you can know when things are out of balance.  We encourage everyone to do the same. 

Grassfed Mealoaf and Organic Veggies
in the Hospital?!?!  You Bet!!!

We came back and enjoyed a relaxing dinner.  Our nurse for the past 2 nights has been a wonderful woman from Thailand named Pensri.  She is very motherly with Will and takes note of the simple things that other nurses seem to miss.  For example, the first night we met her she looked over Will's arms that were bruised and needle pricked and tisked softly to herself. 
"Who did this?" she asked her sharp accent that always seems to be accusing.
Will explained that it was from the nurses at the previous hospital.  She tisked again, shaking her head. 
"This is no good," she said "I will fix it." 
She then spent some time cleaning the tape residue from around the bruises and adjusting his new PICC line side.  When she was finished he looked better than he has in days.  From that moment, Pensri earned a place in both of our hearts.  We had developed a routine with her each night of her taking vital signs, giving medication, then she spends some time talking about what to expect with the chemo.  She has been a nurse for over 25 years and has a wealth of knowledge in the area of chemo treaments.  This night she ran Willie's vitals then took a relaxed stance next to the sink.
"I have been doing this job for too many years," she said "and I have come to learn what it is that sets apart survivors from those who don't make it.  I want to tell you the secret of the survivors."
She had our full attention!  She went on to explain that over the years she has noticed that those who survive cancer do the following:
1. Eat good food.
2. Drink ALOT of water
3. Move around every day
4. Laugh at least 4 times a day
5. Have a positive mental outlook.
She then looked around the room as if observing every corner of the structure then looked back at us.
"This is a good room," she said with a big smile on her face "there is good energy here.  Good things happen with good energy."
We agree!  We are trying our best to keep up the positive attitude and unconditional optimism.  There is a fine line between optimism and denial and I think we are walking on the safe side.  There is nothing but hope for our case and every expert we have talked to agrees that we are lucky for catching the cancer early and have Will's age and physical fitness on our side. 
Pensri left us with one final thought that night.
"When you wake up in the morning, do you know what your last thought was before you fell asleep the night before?"
We looked at eachother and shrugged.  I wasn't sure where she was going with this.
She went on to explain "The mind is the most powerful tool and it works all night long while we sleep.  If you feed yourself positive thoughts before you fall asleep you will think them all night long and wake up with positive energy."
Oh how she speaks the truth! I am a firm believer in the power of the mind.  We truly create our own destiny through our thoughts.  This was great advice that I pass along because it applies to everyone in any situation you may be in. 

Try it tonight.  You will wake up unstoppable!

Our New (Temporary) Home

View From Our New Room

Saturday morning was nice and relaxing.  Although the nurse was in at 5AM for Will's daily lab draw, everyone else left us alone and we were able to catch up on a bit of that sleep that the previous days had stolen from us.  We had breakfast, then the nurse came in to inform us that we would be moving to a private room around the corner.  Our new room is small, but cozy.  The view is not as impressive as our previous room that overlooked one of the many impressive gardens that surround the hospital, but it's still lovely.  Everything about this hospital is amazing.  They obviously try to make the experience feel more like that of a hotel than a hospital and we are really feeling comfortable.  We are most impressed with the wood floors and painted walls that bring a home like setting to our room.  Who am I kidding? The wood floors at this hospital are better than our floors at home!  There are fountains and gardens spread throughout the building and art lines the walls that was either painted by patients or donated by people who this hospital has helped.  There is amazing healing energy here.  Everyone is overwhelmingly nice.  From the people who deliver the meal trays to the guy who pushes the wheel chair to the doctors and nurses, everyone we have met is so kind and pleasant that we feel we have wandered into Utopia. 

Model of the Expansive Hospital

Will's parents and Uncle came to visit us in the morning and we took a stroll out to the gardens.  Willie's white blood cell count is extremely low which means he has no means of fighting off an infection.  Because of this he is on what is called "nuetropenic precautions" and cannot have any fresh fruit, flowers or anything that could carry fungus or bacteria around him.  His door remains closed all the time and anyone who enters must wash their hands or apply the purel gel that is stationed at his door.  I've used enough purel in the past few days to keep the company in business.  Perhaps we will buy stock in them...



Sunday Walk in the Gardens

He has a hospital grade mask that he must wear whenever he leaves the room that has a strong filter on it to protect what immunity he has.  The mask makes him look like he may mug you at any moment and sound like Darth Vader which makes our trips out pretty exciting.  There are a lot of other people wearing these masks around the hospital.  It's hard to miss them because the filter on the mask is neon pink.  We passed a woman about Willie's age wearing the same mask and they nodded and waved to each other as they passed.  It was like watching motorcyclists pass each other on the road.  I've always thought it was funny when Willie rides his motorcycle around and waves to every motorcyclists he sees whether he knows them or not.  I didn't grow up around motorcycles and thought this practice was funny so one day I asked him why he waves
"Because we both have bikes, Missy" he said, as if I should have known where this was going "we understand each other."
The motorcycle has changed to the immunity mask, but the wave is still the same.  You wave because you understand each other.
Our walk in the garden was refreshing and it gave us a better view of the great expanse of the hospital.  I think there may be no end to it from what the eye can see.  We returned to the room and our team of doctors came in after Will's parents had left.
The diagnosis had been confirmed, they told us, and we were to begin treatment as soon as the tooth situation can get figured out.  An oral surgeon was scheduled to see us that morning, but because he hadn't come yet, we had to simply wait until his consult before we could proceed.  They had, however, made a decision about the type of chemo he would be receiving when the time comes.  Our attending physician is a cute woman with a strong accent that sounds to be from Russia.  She explained in her heavy accent that there are two types of chemo: the high dose, and the higher dose.  Because Willie is young and in good shape they want to give him the higher dose to get him into remission faster.  Of course there are risks that come with this, the greatest being damage that can be done to the heart, but after reviewing all of Will's body systems, they are confident that this is the best route for him to take.
The treatments will be given by infusion over a 4 day period.  He will likely feel fine during this time as the effects of chemo don't really take place until 7-10 days afterward.  He will remain quarantined during this time and will most likely need blood transfusions as the chemo begins to take effect.  11 days after the treatment begins he will be given another bone marrow biopsy.  The cute Asian MD who had given the terrible bone marrow biopsy the day before was in the room when they announced this.  Willie and I immediately looked at her in a way that must have been threatening enough because she laughed and said
"Don't worry Willie, I won't be doing it this time.  We'll call in some manpower to handle those hips."
There is a possibility that he could go into remission after one round of chemo so we are looking forward to this with optimism.  That means the hard part of this leg of the journey could be over in just under two weeks!  This first part of chemo that is done in the hospital is called "induction" and is when he receives the higher doses.  After he completes this, we will be able to come home and do his maintenance treatments at Enloe. 
The team answered a few more questions, but made it clear that chemo could not begin until the tooth situation was addressed which would mean waiting to hear from the oral surgeon.  We agreed to wait for his visit, hoping he would show up by the end of then night, then meet again the next day to create a game plan. 
That meant we had a relaxing night ahead of us.  We at dinner then took a walk around the hospital to look at some of the artwork that the patients here have done.  They offer in-room art classes where someone brings an impressive selection of art mediums to the patient's room and allows their creativity to take it from there.  We saw some amazing, motivational things and felt the good healing energy from all those who have endured this trial before us.  One picture in particular that spoke to me was a mix of color and shape that didn't really make any formal image.  Next to the picture was posted the scripture John 14:27.  This scripture reads: "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you, not as the world giveth, give I unto you.  Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." 
This kind of peace that cannot be offered from the world is what has sustained us on this journey.  We have seen our fears disapper and our hearts become calm as we pray and experience the prayers and loving thoughts from all of you.  Words cannot express the appreciation we feel for your expressions of love and your willingness to serve and support us.  There is a timeless quote that says something to the effect that "A man is rich who has friends." If that is true, then we are millionares!
After our walk we returned to our room.  It was around 8PM and the halls were quiet.  We were startled when, after a short knock on the door, a man dressed in surgical scrubs entered the room and introduced himself as the oral surgeon. 
Do these people ever sleep?! 
He was tall and young and looks to be of African decent with long features and strong skinny fingers that seemed to wrap around my hand twice as he shook his hello.  He got straight to business and had instructed Willie to open his mouth while still standing in the middle of the room.  I thought perhaps he would have him sit down, but if there is one thing we've learned this week it is that Dr.s have no time for formalities!  Those long thin fingers poked and proded in Willie's head and I watched from behind as Will bent futher and further backword.  The surgeon continued to push and prod and ask questions without really waiting for answers.  I was sitting behind Will and couldn't help but laugh to myself as those long fingers pushed Will further backward into a back bend that would be most impressive in yoga cirlces. 
The surgeon removed his fingers and Will sprung back into proper posture.
"Those teeth have to go!" He said as he removed his gloves and opened the door "I'll see if I can schedule a surgery room for Monday."  He was half way out the door by this time and we barely had a chance to drag a question out of him before he left.  He was obviously in a hurry and told us that he would talk to our Hematology team and they could update us. 
The door closed behind him and we just looked at eachother and laughed.  He had come in an out so quickly and created such and uproar that we had to re-tell the story to eachother just to make sure it had actually happened.  As far as Stanford people go, he wasn't in the Utopia category of service, but he did smile at us before he left.  That counts for something.  We assured eachother that he must simply be busy and not a bad surgeon.  With this update we knew that there would be no treatments started on Sunday.  That meant we were in for at least one more day of rest...