Memorial Day and The 5 Year Secret

Our Memorial Day BBQ from the Stanford Cafeteria!

Happy Memorial Day!  I love this holiday.  When I was growing up, we would spend the entire day visiting the graves of our ancestors.  We would meet at Grandma's house early in the morning to clip roses from her flower garden and place them in rusted tin cans she had saved all year long for this special event.  We would make bouquets for what felt like hours, then we would load the bunches of flowers in the trunk and head off to the first of the 3 cemetaries we would visit each year.  It was a family tradition to get lost every year and we would usually spend more time looking for the grave then we actually spent visiting it.  Mom and Grandma were known for scribbling down directions to the grave that read something like "Turn right at the oak tree, drive past two pine trees, Great Grandpa's grave is two patches of grass from the road next to the moss that grows in the shadow of the tallest Crypress."
You can see why we got lost!  I'll never forget the year that we spent an hour driving around the cemetary only to discover that one of the landmarking pine trees had been cut down.  I think Mom is using a more reliable mapping system now...
Yesterday was a hard day.  Willie received his final Chemo treament at 3 AM and fought off nausea for the rest of the day.  I had a hard morning too.  Neither of us has had a full night's sleep since we left home almost two weeks ago and we haven't slept more than a few hours in the past 4 nights since he starting receiving chemo. The advice that's always given to new parents is to "sleep when the baby sleeps."  Right now Willie is my baby and I have not been heeding that advice.  I feel I have been running around the clock on little sleep and borrowed energy.  I feel selfish saying that because I'm not even the one receiving chemo!
We are both exhausted.
Sunday morning was my breaking point.  I stayed up late the night before working on a order for the shop.  It was nearly 7AM and we had both been up since around 5AM when they came to take blood.  Willie was feeling nauseaous so he was nibbling on a saltine cracker at a glacial pace.  I've never seen a saltine cracker last so long!  I was figthing to keep my eyes open and trying not to feel sorry for myself for not having had enough sleep, a comfortable bed, or a shower in the past 4 days.  As I sat there, an alarm went off signalling it was time to place the order for the shop.  I had a very small window to do this and the timing couldn't have been worse.  I was faced with an impossible decision: sit with my husband in his moment of need, or place the order for the shop to maintain our business.  Both were important.  I was overwhelmed. 
I made sure Willie was ok for a moment and placed the order to a girl who couldn't have been any more rude.  It was the last thing I needed.  She told me the total of the order and I felt like the weight of an entire building had fallen on me.  We had money in the account for the order, that wasn't the issue, it was realizing that I had to be the one to account for the business finances AND for our household AND for my husband's care AND for my personal care AND...the list went on an on in my mind.  Clearly the last piece has been slacking which was why I was feeling so stressed.  Willie had drifted back to sleep so I did the thing any overwhelmed, self respecting woman would do: I climbed back in bed and cried.
I prayed to be given strength to handle the burden I was feeling at that moment.  I felt a peace settle in my heart and as I began to calm down I realized I was starving.  No wonder I was upset!  I knew at that moment that the solution to all of my problems was a bowl of scrambled eggs from the cafeteria.  They have the most amazing scrambled eggs here.  They are light and fluffy and I look forward to having them when I can.  They stop serving breakfast at 10AM and most days we are still meeting with the Dr.s and nurses during that time.  This morning I felt as if my very happiness depended on getting those scrambled eggs.  I waited impatiently for the team of doctors to arrive so I could hurry up to the kitchen after they left.  It was 8:30 and were told they were 3 doors down.  Time crept by and soon it was 9AM with no sign of the Dr.s.  By 9:30 I was getting antsy and emotional that I was going to miss my scrambled eggs.  In retrospect it's almost comical, but at that moment it was my only thought.  The team finally arrived at 9:45 and left ten minutes later.  I bolted out the door after them and practically ran to the kitchen.  On the way there I thought of the possiblity that I may not make it in time and I knew I would cry it that happened.  I had images of myself entering the cafeteria and seeing the empty hole where the eggs should be.  In my mind I fell to my knees and shouted "NOOOO!" in a hollywood style as track of heart wrenching music played in the background.
I've always been one for dramatic mental pictures!  I made it to the kitchen at 9:59 and there was percisely one scoop of eggs left.  My scoop.  I savored those eggs and with every bite I became more human.  When I was finished I felt almost like myself again.  The world wasn't such a bad place after all!
Now all I needed was a shower!  I can't take showers here at the hospital so I have been relying on family to come and visit so I can shower at their hotel.  It's not the best plan, but it's been working so far.  I wasn't able to shower at my Mom's hotel before she left because Willie had a bad morning so it had been 4 long days since I had been clean.  I was beginning to feel like I was camping out at Stanford Hospital.  (For the record, it is not a fun place to camp!)  Will's mom came to stay with Willie I went to her hotel to shower.  I met Tammy, my sister in law, in the room and immediately checked out the bed.  It was the most comfortable bed that ever was.  I have never felt anything as soft as the feather pillows on that bed.  It was like laying on a cloud; a magical cloud that sucked all of your cares and concerns from you as you relaxed.  I would have been happy to stay there forever!
The shower was equally magical.  Tammy had brought her Biolage shampoo from home, which for me is a luxury shampoo, and I felt pampered as I washed my hair.  The scent of the shampoo transported me back to a time many years ago when I was in a similar stressful life circumstance. I suddenly knew it was time I confess a secret to her that I had been carrying around for 5 years.  After I got out of the shower I told Tammy the following story:
It was the fall of 2007 and I had been dating Willie for about a year and half.  I was living in Utah and he was living in Willows with his sister.  We had spent the past two summers together at the camp we worked at, then had a long distance relationship in the fall and spring months in between.  As anyone who has ever had a long distance relationship can tell you; they are hard!  So I decided to make the bold move to Sacramento to be closer to Will.  I had a phone interview for a job at the March of Dimes which I was offered and given a start date.  I searched for a roommate on craigslist and found a nice girl who described herself as having "an obsession with Jesus."  I figured that was a whole lot safer than anyone else I could find in Sacramento so I agreed to rent her spare room. 
The day I left Utah I had a laundry basket of clothes and an inflatable mattress.  I drove to my new apartment and was a little leery about amount of homeless people that were hanging around.  An overweight man in a motorized chair cruised by me as I stood in the courtyard holding my laundry basket.  As he neared me he began singing the theme from Cops "what you gonna do, what you gonna do when they come for you...."  He laughed at my shocked reaction as he passed and continued to sing loudly as he rolled away.  I knocked on the door of my new home and took note of the amount of eyes peeking at my from dozens of surrounding apartment windows.  I later learned I was in section 8 housing with is for low income individuals.  No one in the complex worked so there were plenty of eyes to observe me
I met my roommate was a lovely 19 year old Christian girl whose only goal in life was to be a broadcaster for the Christan radio station called KLOVE.  She would audition for me every morning offering me the weather, the days traffic and a positive though before closing with with "this has been Melanie with KLOVE wishing you a blessed day!"  Even if Sacramento never got to enjoy her broadcasting skills, I was most definitely impressed.
She showed me to my room and I inflated my bed and placed my basket on the floor.  This was my new home. That night I laid on my mat and looked at the ceiling.  There were curious burn marks all around the edges and a strange chemical scent came from the yellowed walls, but I thought nothing of it. The next day I reported to the March of Dimes to begin training.  There was a lot of confusion about my presence and no one knew who I was.  When I was finally asked who interviewed and gave me the job I told them the woman's name was Amy.
"Oh," the receptionist had said, her eyes falling to the desk "Amy no longer works here.  I'm really sorry, but we don't have a job for you."
I must have stood there for a ridiculous amount of time.  What was I supposed to do?  I couldn't very well turn and go back to Utah.
That was another hard day in my history.  I remember trying to find Trader Joes in the rain, and after an hour of not begin able to find it, I got out of my car and cried with the dark clouds that poured on me.  I was determined to stay.  The next day I went to church and met a girl who was a nanny for a woman that was helping her friend look for a nanny.  I was the girl for the job!  I met the woman the next day and immediately fell in love with her and her 4 month old son.  I started working there the next day and things started to get better.  Well, everything but my health.
About a month into my new life I started to feel strange.  I was tired, yet wired and fuzzy headed.  At night I would pass into a coma and not wake up or remember anything until I was dragged out of bed by my alarm which would have to go off for minutes before I even realized it was on.  I was the walking dead and I had no idea why.  I knew my roommate's sister and boyfriend had lived in the room I did before he was arrested for drug charges and domestic violence.  The sister had moved out and the boyfriend was in jail.  One morning I woke up to a completely deranged living room with my roommate sitting in the middle of overturned couch cushions and broken cds. 
"What happened?" I asked in shock.
"I'm so sorry you had to be part of this," she said through tears.
"Part or what?" I asked, dumbfounded.
She thought I was joking, but I wasn't.  She explained that her sister's boyfriend was let out of jail the previous day and came to the apartment to find her sister.  When she wasn't there he flipped out and tore the place up.  She called the cops and they had come and detained him.  She spoke of the noise and chaos that had taken place and how they had tried to open my door at one point, but it was locked.  She was so worried that I had been locked inside, upset and afraid.  I hadn't felt anything because I didn't hear any of it!
Something was seriously wrong.  That was when I went to see my doctor who found traces of meth in my body.  It turns out I was living in an old meth lab!  When I asked my roommate about that she said she had known about it being a meth lab, but that every apartment around there had been a meth lab so she thought that was normal...!
I packed my bed and laundry basket and left that very day.  I drove the hour to Will's sisters house and moved in there until I could find something permanent.  When I arrived there I took a shower that will forever be ranked as the best shower ever.  It was there that I spotted Tammy's Biolage shampoo and felt guilty for using it.  There was nothing better in the world at that moment.  It was like the shampoo was washing away all the filth and drama from the past few months.  I left the shower renewed and with amazing new volume in my baby fine hair.
Willie looked pleasantly surprised when I came out of the bathroom that day.
"Your hair looks nice." He had said with an undertone of disbelief.
"Thanks, I used Tammy's Biolage shampoo." I said "I didn't ask her first and I feel bad.  Should I tell her?"
He laughed and said I was silly to think that because she wouldn't care.
She came home a while later and I felt like she could smell the Biolage on me.  I felt so guilty.  I've secretly used her shampoo a hundred times since that day and have still never asked.
Yesterday changed that.  When I finished telling Tammy the story I asked for her forgiveness.  She only laughed and said I was silly and that it was fine.  What a relief!  That's one secret I no longer have to carry! 
I love my in laws.  I don't know how I was so fortunate to marry into a family that I would have chosen as my own.  They have been so supportive in this recent challenge and I don't know where we would be without them.  Thank you Tammy and Jean for visiting us this weekend.  You brightened our days and left me laughing. 

Me and My Tam

Willie had a better day today.  He had a good appetite and I was thrilled when he ate a stack of french fries for lunch.  After 4 days of not eating anything but saltines, I'm happy to see him eat, regardless of what it is.  The Giants won which made his day even better.  We took a walk in the afternoon and plan to relax and watch a movie tonight.  All in all, it was a good holiday.
Happy Memorial Day to all!  May we all celebrate the memory of those who have left us by living!