I have never been one for roller coasters. I went on my first coaster at the late age of 10. When all the other kids were standing on tippy toes to reach the height limit, I was shrugging to fit below it. It was impossible to hide my height though, seeing as how I have been 5'10" since Kindergarten...! When I was 10 years old, I was the only child in my class who had not been on the old rickety roller coaster at our local amusement park. The ride was simply called the "White Roller Coaster" and was comprised of slates of wood that must have been taken from pioneer wagons that crossed the plains. You could see rusty railroad spikes driven into the wood from yards away and each time a car of people passed by, the track would groan and shake back and forth. I had no intention of ever going on it until the day the hazing from my friends became so bad that my Mom agreed to go with me.
I'll never forget the fear that filled my soul as the car was pulled slowly up the track. The wood groaned and creaked and I could feel the track shifting below us. As we reached the top of the dip all noise stopped and we sat for a moment, suspended in mid air.
"Put your hands up!" My Mom instructed, and I turned to see her lift her arms high in the air, a glimmer of mischief in her eyes.
I released my death grip on the bar and started to raise my arms when we began to fall. My hands instantly shot back to the bar and I held on for dear life during the next 45 seconds of pure torture. When the ride ended I could hardly breath. Mom had to pry my death grip from the bar and escort me out of the ride on legs that functioned like a bowl of jello. I nearly fell down once we exited the gate and had to sit with my head in my hands for a good 20 minutes before I could pull myself together.
This is how I react to roller coasters.
My new life is a roller coaster.
I have ridden a handful of roller coasters since that day and handle them marginally better. I only have to sit for 10 minutes to re-group now!
Willie loves roller coasters. I have seen him ride the kind with loop after loop and walk off the ride un-phased and ready to ride again. I suppose that is what helps him handle our current roller coaster life so well!
It was mid afternoon, three years ago, that I stood across from this man and committed to ride any roller coaster that life has to offer us. At the risk of being cliche, I thought I loved him then and knew what I was getting into, but I had no idea. I had no idea what it truly meant to love. I didn't understand that love means sacrifice. Compromise.
Patience.
Concern.
Complete and utter selflessness.
And the list goes on and on. What I didn't understand is that love is a living, changing thing that must be nourished. It is challenged by circumstance and choices. It is always present, but rarely thought of.
Willie and I dated for 3 years before we got married. We had our times when we were in love and other times when we fell out of it. We had our break ups and make ups like every other couple. During one break up I was determined to move on and agreed to be set up with a guy to go out with a group of friends. The moment I met him, I knew it was not going to work. He was tall and skinny with pale skin and a carefully combed part that was slicked down by either grease or hairspray. He looked me up and down after we shook hands and asked
"How old are you?"
"23" I replied.
He winced.
23 is a tender age in Utah. Back when I was in the dating field, most girls were married by the age of 21. When you pass that age you enter the category of girls who must have some sort of defect because they weren't snatched up before then. I was used to adverse responses to my age or fielding questions as to why I wasn't married. Why I hadn't found someone yet. What was wrong with me!
It is a funny culture, but it is the culture I grew up in and I have no ill feelings toward it.
"You're just a baby!" he responded.
I was shocked! This was not a response I had ever encountered.
"I'm 33." He said, leaning in close so no one would hear. "I had a brain tumor a few years back that took me out of the dating game for a couple of years and I'm just getting back out there. You're too young for me, but I guess we can hang out tonight and I can teach you a thing or two."
His arrogance was disgusting, but I felt bad for him. The brain tumor card won me over.
That was the longest date I've ever been on. At one point we played a game where one couple hid within an area that spanned 6 city blocks and we had to find them. It was dusk as we walked alone down the city streets, looking for the couple.
"I want to teach you about love." He suddenly said.
"Oh.....Ok." I replied, not really sure what had sparked the discussion.
"I have been in love before and it didn't work out. I doubt you've ever been in love before, you're too young." He glanced at me from the corner of his eye before he continued.
"What I learned is that you can never love the person the same amount they love you back. It's like you are each driving in your own car and there is a rubber band between the cars. Sometimes one car will be ahead of the other one because one person loves the other one more. The cars never drive side by side. The rubber band just keeps getting stretched back and forth when each persons feeling change."
"That's.....interesting" I struggled to find a word to describe such an absurd thought. It was so different from anything I had ever heard about love and way off from the feelings I had for Willie. It made me question whether I really was in love. If love was what he was describing then perhaps I really had never experienced it.
I think about his theory often. I understand now that he had never experienced a healthy love if that is how he viewed it. I can agree that sometimes the degree you like you partner can stretch back and forth like a rubber band. There have been times when I have tripped over Willie's clothes that he left by the shower after 100 times of asking him to PLEASE pick them up when my rubber band of like was terribly stretched, but it is almost funny to think that I could love him less for that.
I have proven his theory wrong. I really hope he found someone to teach him.
Today I am so grateful that I found unconditional love. My life changed for the better the day I married Will and it changed again for the better the day he was diagnosed with Leukemia. I have learned how to love without restriction. How to live in every breath and savor the moments that I previously would have neglected. With Will by my side we have been riding the roller coaster that life designed for us. I am still scared to death, but he is teaching me to relax enough to put my hands in the air and enjoy the ride.
I still have a feeling I'll need a good time out to recover when we reach the end though!
I spent the rest of the afternoon checking his temp every 20 minutes. I watch the numbers as they climb on the screen and beg them to stop. The highest he's gotten in 100 degrees flat. I hate this limbo. We don't want to have to go to hospital so we want his temp to stay down, but at the same time, I don't want to keep him home if he has an infection! It's going to be a long night of temperature checking, but at this moment his is feeling better and watching the New York Giants play football at the same time the San Francisco Giants are playing baseball. He is in sports heaven!
I will end with a poem by E.E. Cummings that I found the other day. It was in a magazine that I read while waiting for one of Will's doctors appointments. It brought me to tears as if he had written it about us.
i carry your heart with me(i
carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear no fate(for you are
my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret
nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry
it in my heart)
~e.e. cummings
Happy Anniversary to the better part of my heart. Here's to many many MANY more!
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